The EQ Effect: Leveraging Emotional Intelligence in Communication

We often assume that the smarter we are or the higher our IQ, the more effective we are at communicating. However, thinking that we're the smartest and the best communicator in the room can easily get in the way of truly engaging others and building meaningful relationships. Even for a "people person," committing to thoughtful communication is not always easy.

Early in my career I fell into the stereotype that IT professionals need to know how to program, troubleshoot, and improve systems but that learning how to deal with people was much less important. I found myself using my intellect (IQ) rather than my emotional awareness (EQ) to engage others, and the results of this approach to communication were eye opening. While many people valued my intellectual contributions, I wasn't building the meaningful relationships and partnerships I had hoped.

The EQ Effect

In his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman defines emotional intelligence as "the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and our relationships."

In other words, those who leverage emotional intelligence have a greater ability to influence, persuade, and connect with others, which ultimately is all about the way we communicate. Keep in mind, while EQ may not come naturally to some of us, it is a critical skill that can be learned and practiced by anyone who needs to build and maintain strong, effective relationships. This is especially important for those in positions where they need to manage, lead, influence, and successfully engage others.

Emotional Awareness in Communication: Reading the Room

If you've ever tried to hide your feelings, you probably realized very quickly that it's pretty hard to do. The reality is, our feelings play a huge part in the way we communicate. If we're angry, sad, or afraid, we may be able to control our verbal communication, but not so much the nonverbal cues. This is where emotional awareness, or the ability to understand and communicate our feelings, will help. If you are emotionally aware, you will also be able to take the time to notice the emotions of other people and how their feelings influence the way they communicate. Whether it's helping an anxious employee cope with stress or convincing your CIO to give you the promotion/raise you feel you deserve, you need to be able to gauge the situation, adapt as needed over the course of the interaction, and then be ready to come to some type of satisfactory resolution. If your CIO doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk about that promotion, you need to be aware enough to determine the best time to engage in that discussion.

How We Can Improve: Know Your Own Feelings First

According to the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, "Of those who took an online EQ test, only 36 percent were able to accurately identify their emotions as they happened." For example, we might get angry with a person but not fully understand that the reason for our anger has nothing to do with what the other person said or did. Instead, we might be angry because we failed to see the other person's comments not as a form of criticism or attack but simply as a suggestion or a new idea.

Just as others' feelings can affect the message they're trying to send, our own feelings can get in the way of our communication as well. So, when you feel a strong emotion, before responding take a moment to identify the emotion and try not to let it get in the way of your message. Before you passive-aggressively send that scathing email or use sarcasm, try first to identify the emotion you are feeling.

It is also critical for leaders to carefully assess their own EQ behavior and understand how they are viewed by employees by looking closely at what they do well and where they need to improve. When we gain mastery in self-awareness we learn to observe our emotions rather than simply reacting to them.

Try these approaches:

• Read about interpersonal skills that you'd like to improve and tackle one at a time. Give yourself time and space to ponder what you're learning and how you can apply it.
• Set aside time to examine your reactions to various situations and practice your response.
• Instead of rushing through decisions and reacting to situations, take a moment to pause and think.
• Use a journal to keep track and make connections between behaviors and feelings.

As you begin to understand how an increased awareness of emotional response impacts the ways in which you communicate verbally and nonverbally, you will be better equipped to moderate how you respond in a variety of situations. For example, you'll be more able to control your volume when you are angry with a co-worker, or you might discover that you scowl subconsciously when a certain topic is repeatedly brought up in a meeting.

Empathy: Consider Other People's Feelings

Empathy is a key aspect of EQ and can have a tremendous impact on how we communicate in all situations. Empathy requires first of all that we comprehend the circumstances of someone else and second that we understand the feelings that those circumstances may provoke in that person.

For example, your supervisor might seem upset with you for no reason. Think about what they might be dealing with. Consider any situations that may be affecting their emotions and how that might in turn affect what they say to you. In the same vein, managers and leaders who are high in empathy skills are able to pick up emotional cues. They can appreciate not only what a person is saying but also why they are saying it.

Learn to engage others—even in difficult situations—by asking empathetic questions such as these:

• "Can you say more about that?"
• "Really? That's interesting. Can you be more specific?"
• "I wasn't aware of that. Tell me more."
• "I'm curious about that…let's discuss this in more depth."
• "Can you tell me if I understand you correctly? Here is what I heard you say…"
• "How do you feel about that? What are some of your concerns?"

Self-Regulation: Know When to Bite Your Tongue

Whether it's listening more and talking less, delaying your responses to let the initial emotional impulse subside, or saying fewer strong-minded things, slowing down and thinking before you speak is a great way to increase your EQ communication.

The next time you're in a challenging situation, be aware of how you react. Before giving in to your inclination to lash out at an employee, practice deep-breathing exercises to calm yourself. Try writing down all of the negative things you want to say, and then rip it up and throw it away. Expressing these emotions on paper (and not showing them to anyone!) is better than speaking them aloud to your team. Moreover, this will help you control your reactions to ensure that they're fair.

So whether you think of yourself as a world-class communicator or as someone who would rather just send an email than deal with face-to-face chatter, chances are you have at least a few communication habits that can be improved via the EQ effect!

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Mark CJ Davis, Jr. is Manager of Desktop Systems at Swarthmore College.